Because I Want To...

I've been thinking about starting a blog for a while but many negative thoughts have discouraged me from doing it. I've been worried that I'd have nothing to write about, that my writing would stink, that no one would read it, that too many people would read it, that people would judge me for what I write, that mommy blogging is cliche, etc. etc. The list goes on...

But finally, today, I thought to myself, who the heck cares?! I can write a blog if I want to, everybody else is doing it so why not me? So today, on my 9th wedding anniversary and my 13-day anniversary of leaving my job (yes, I know, 13 days is not an actual anniversary), I am starting a blog, because I want to.

(That's been my mantra lately: "Because I want to." I've been working hard to take care of me. There will probably be some future blog posts about that, but that's not a topic for today.)

I've been thinking about and wanting to be a stay at home mom for a long time, probably forever. It's been a desire that has been hard to admit to myself. It's weird sometimes how things that you want are there in your heart but you can't say them out loud. I couldn't say this desire out loud because it would mean giving up my income, my contribution to our family. I felt a self-imposed pressure to be everything to everyone. I didn't like the idea of letting go of my work life, which was a huge part of who I was (who I still am, I think). I identified myself as a teacher and who would I be if I weren't that? What if I was a horrible stay-at-home mom? What if I couldn't stand being with my kids? These were all questions that went round and round in my head. There was another question I couldn't stop asking though: what will happen if I don't give it a try? Will I regret it? A few months ago something changed inside me and I knew the answer to that last question. Yes, I would regret it.  I was finally able to admit my desire to myself and to my husband. After a lot of talking, talking, and more talking we decided to make it happen.

So, I've been doing this a total of 12.5 days and so far I love it. I've literally woken up every day for the past 13 mornings and thought to myself, "I am so lucky, I can't believe this is my life." Several times a day, every day, while playing with my kids on the floor or taking my daughter for a walk or picking my son up from his morning at preschool, I think to myself, "This is the life!" I'm living the life I've always wanted.

Right now this is all new, it's like the honeymoon of stay-at-home parenting and everything is butterflies and sunshine. Literally--it's summer so we are seeing a lot of butterflies and sunshine. We've spent many hours at the pool and the park, with friends, and with family. I've already started getting pretty serious about couponing (pretty exciting, right?), I've taken up knitting (it's not just for grandmas anymore!) and already completed a hat (that doesn't fit) for my baby girl, and, obviously, I've started this blog. I was even paying bills the other day and I thought to myself, "I'm paying bills. Blah. I don't like paying bills but I like it right now because my life is AWESOME!" Ridiculous, I know. These are the kinds of thoughts I'm having right now. I feel like I wouldn't even mind getting my teeth drilled because I GET TO STAY HOME. WITH MY KIDS!

I know that every day won't always feel as magnificent as it does now. I'm sure this overwhelming joy will probably start to wear off at some point. As time goes on, I'm sure paying bills will get annoying again and getting my teeth drilled will actually sound horrible like it should. But, for now, I'm reveling in the joy of the newness and the excitement.

On Monday we joined some friends for an outdoor preschool class at a local park. I said aloud to my other mommy friends, who have been staying home with their kids for quite some time, "I can't believe it's a Monday morning and I'm here with my kids. I'm so excited!". The other moms agreed that it was a wonderful thing and one of them said that my joy was reminding her of how lucky she is. I'm going to try to remember the feeling of that moment forever.