I've been seeing a therapist for about 6 months now. In January and February of this year I was feeling so overloaded, so stressed, that I felt like I had a 50 ton weight on my shoulders squishing me flat against the pavement. I felt tired, sad, depressed, anxious, basically awful. Some days I felt like I wasn't ever going to feel better again. It turns out there were several factors contributing to these feelings, some of which I had no idea about at the time (thyroid issues being one).
Some time in February, I decided I needed to get a grip and take care of myself. With support from some family and friends I decided to contact both a medical doctor and a therapist. Pretty quickly I began to see a lot of changes in my mood and my outlook on life. I found out that I'm pretty good at taking care of myself. I don't like to be in a bad mood so I was very open to the suggestions my therapist gave me. I was proactive. I did my "homework" diligently each week, I thought about myself and my feelings all the time, I worked hard on myself, and I started to see the benefits within just a few weeks.
There have been ebbs and flows and ups and downs over the past months but I am definitely continuing to feel better and better. I'm still seeing the therapist, although not as often, because there's still stuff here to work on. The fact is there probably always will be...
What I really wanted to write about is what I discovered about myself. Pretty early on in my sessions I discovered that I had been telling myself some very negative thoughts. I'd been repeating a mantra to myself: I am not good enough. In almost every situation in my life I had been telling myself this and I hadn't even been aware of it. And, I'd been doing it for a long time. Probably years. "I'm not a good enough parent," "I'm not a good enough wife," "I'm not good enough at my job," "I'm not a good enough friend," "I'm not good enough at keeping my house clean, or cooking, or doing my hair, or exercising, or eating well." Should I go on? I won't because it's just repetitive and depressing and, quite frankly, ridiculous. I realize the ridiculousness of it all now but I didn't then. I was astonished when I realized how down on myself I had been.
I've worked on this a lot over the past few months. It's probably the main thing I've been working on with my therapist. I've read self-help books (let me know if you'd like any recommendations), I've worked on crafting new mantras (I've learned that a simple one is best: I am enough), and I've examined my relationships. I've also examined my life choices very closely and made some big life changes like deciding to quit working and become a stay-at-home mom.
I go days, sometimes weeks now, where I don't tell myself that I am NOT enough. I've been doing so well that some days I don't even need to consciously tell myself that I am okay, that I AM enough. Some days I can even forget about the 50-ton weight I felt back in the winter.
Yesterday though, I was feeling grumpy. I wasn't feeling the 50-ton weight, maybe just 5 or 10 pounds, but something was getting me down for sure. Serendipitously I had an appointment scheduled with my therapist last night and was feeling optimistic all day that I would feel better after our session. I shared the grumpy feelings I'd been having with her and she immediately wanted to "dissect" what was going on with me. She asked me a lot of questions and asked me to describe and analyze specific scenarios of my day. Finally she asked me rhetorically, "could any of this be because you are telling yourself that you are not enough?"
A big metaphorical light bulb went on in my head and I couldn't believe I had been telling myself that all day and not even noticed! "Oh my gosh!" I replied to her. "I cannot believe I didn't even know I was thinking that about myself today. I've been forgetting to tell myself that I AM enough."
"It all comes down to that, doesn't it?" She was being rhetorical again.
Yep, it does. This is something I'm going to be struggling with for a long time, I think. But it doesn't get me down to realize that. It encourages me. It makes me feel good to understand myself. I know what I'm dealing with and I can confront it. I can keep repeating my new mantra: I am enough. If I repeat it every day I know I will believe it because I HAVE believed it. There will be days when I don't but I will know what to do and I have family and friends who will support me and remind me of the truth: I am enough.
